Friday, November 5, 2010

A letter to Violent Acres

Dear V,

I know you will never read what im about to say but i dont care.  I'm going to write to you anyway.

i want you to know that you inspire hope in me more so than the vast majority of influences i've come across.  In many ways you remind me of my mother, a person i respect and admire and in many ways I dont understand.  The stories you share have effected me emotionally and almost brouhgt me to tears reading about you running away.  I always wish i had suffered more growing up... you can only really overcome the circumstances you're brought up in if they aren't good.  And in that way i feel like im sort of limited now since my childhood was better than most.

I have never had to live in a situation one tenth as bad as those described in your  blog. Ive always feel that I never had a reason to complain.  i did starve, i wasnt abused, i wasnt beaten.   My parents tried their hardest, and im only at the cusp of begining to understand howmuch they really did.

i try every day for them to be the wisest person i can.  i dont know how else to adequately say thank you.

Reading what you write has at least inspired me to feel sad with justification again. 

I dont know waht I would say to you if we met on the street.  i wouldnt pity you for your hardships because youve told me why i shouldn't. (and that you dont want or need some random teenagers pity).  I hate that I can so easily see how real your stories are. Theres absolutly no flare

 I wish there was.

ive never been very good at saying how sorry i am.  ive locked up and stood in place for an hour due to my inability to process how i felt. i can't blame anyone for this but myself.

I wish I could hug you, not for you but for me. I dont presume to know how you would react to such a thing but i would say to your face how much it makes me feel not alone to see somone like yourself.

A human being unfiltered before a world filled with critics, bigots, tools, and whores.

(I love the word Whore by the way. there are few insults that i find as rich in meaning. also the pronunciation of the word almost requires more..disgust and condensation than many of the other insults.)

I have a file in my mind which in which i place very few people.  often times it is just a side of a person. one reflection of them in one light, sometimes it is merely a small statement.  perhaps you fit in this catagory because of the onesided single light i see you in, all you are to me is an online blog, but there is enough fiber in that to merit recognition.

I desperatly hope. That is some small way I can learn to emulate you.

That file is of people I want to be like.

People whom I want to change myself to resemble.

Aspects of my mother, fathers, and a few other are included in this. And while I know it may seem trivial to some to be included in my little "head file", i want you to know that i heard you. I dont care if a thousand other people come in line in importance before me in your mind, because today you said the right thing to make me feel like i dont need your approval.

Today, right now, you made a difference to me.  and that I can shout it to the world like you shouted your words to an audience you would never meet or hear... that is good enough for me, and i thank you.

           an avid fan   


Thursday, November 4, 2010

random blog title

Im gonna break form here and have no valid logical points, or even well based opinions. 
Im reading a blog I found completely by accident called violent acres. and while i dont feel as though a series of walls are shattering down in my head, I love it. and it gives me some fucking hope for once. 

I was randomly trolling the internet and through sheer coincidence i found intelligence. wtf?  where did this come from? you can't find REASONABLE PEOPLE on the internet. blashpemy.

Ive taken to listening to dubstep while on the computer and am seriously enjoying Deadmau5. (i love the fact that there are no words. its just pure musical experience without cramming an agenda down my throat. no pressure to learn the lyrics or anything. ) even though hes probably the most well known artist of the dubstep genre. only one ive heard of.  why does that make me feel like i shouldnt enjoy his music? 

but anyway back to said blog. some of the stories this lady tells...there so HUMAN.  no plot, no characters, nothing but what happened. another wtf.  perhaps its because i dont spend much time looking at or for blogs that i find this so astounding.

but then again its not something i come across in daily life either... so many people i see at gainesville state look...zombified...overwhelmed? maybe its me...  

i look at peoples face when i walk from class to class. their FACES not thier shoes or purses.  i look straight at their eyes.  why do so many people glance and look away like theyre scarred?  once again maybe its me. i dont doubt ive come across more than once as "creepy" without even realizing it.

I feel like we're all running out of hope. for every story u hear of somone getting ahead 10 people come out of the woodwork to slash and berate them or talk about how they rode on others backs.  somebody give us some fucking hope. I say us because i am here in this ridiculous world with you. bigots and fanatics around every corner screaming at us.  why even try?

and yet how hypocritical is it of me to sit here late at night, talking to myself,  thinking about how hopeless i feel in this self destructive world we are inhabiting?  all im doing is standing around complaining while the ship is sinking.  plus what good is my opinion just because i have the nerve to think it?  im just a poor 18 year old with no family to support and have never had to fight for the food given to me and still i feel the need to complain about how i feel hopless? gimme a fucking break. how is my opinion any more valid than the fucktard holding the God hates fags sign? those blind fools with cash in front of thier eyes pressing the launch button over and over and over. 

its not. thats what i find hopless. that there exists no sound way to invalidate the sheep following blindly and corrupt with power with out becoming the very thing you orignially rallied against.

its hopless.

but thats when you find those jewels. those small rays of hope and insight between the overcast sky of idiocracy. and i guess thats all im really asking for.